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Lawyer Jokes

Provided for amusement only?

The coolest collection of lawyer jokes?

Highly ethical profession?

Dont like this page - must be a lawyer?

lawyer

What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?

The hooker stops screwing you when you're dead.


Why dont you ever see lawyers at the beach?

Because the cats keep covering them with sand!


A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution. 'Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least Rs.500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?'
The lawyer replied, 'First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?' Embarrassed, the director mumbled, 'Um...no.' 'Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?' The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. ' . . . or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident,' the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, 'leaving her penniless with three children?!'
The humiliated director said simply, 'I had no idea . . .' 'So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?'


Whats the difference between a runover dog and a runover lawyer?

There were skidmarks before the dog!


What is the difference between two lawyers in a porsche and a porcupine?

The porcupine has the pricks on the outside!


Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly,
armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on lawyer number one jams
something in lawyer number two's hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, 'What is this?'

Lawyer number one replies:
'It's that $100 I owe you!'


A guy phones a law office and says: 'I want to speak to my lawyer.' The receptionist replies, 'I'm sorry but he died last week.'
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, 'I told you yesterday, he died last week.'
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, 'I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?'
The guy says, 'Because I just love hearing it.'


It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ...

It was SO cold ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.


In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere


Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them...
and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.


A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, 'Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?'
'Of course not, dear.' replied the mother, 'Why would you think that?'
'The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'


A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by.
One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road.
Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a 'whump' and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field.
He turned to the priest and said, 'Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer!'
And the priest replied, 'That's OK, my son, I got him with the door.


Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?...

He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.


A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!!!"

"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.

"Congratulations for what?!?!?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be
160 years old."

"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty."
"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."


What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a bottom dwelling scum sucker, the other is just a fish with wiskers


What do you call 200 lawyers lying on the bottom of the ocean

A good start


How do you tell if a lawyer is lying

His lips are moving